Drugs and Motherhood

For the woman that feels alone but isn’t. 

I should begin by saying I’m a mother of two and my children are my life. I love them more than my own existence and would give up anything for their well-being. 

I also love to smoke herb and I’ll tell you why. 

My upbringing was nontraditional but happy. My parents married and divorced young, as it sometimes happens, and remarried. We had a family that went from my older brother, older sister and I to now two more siblings from my step father and 3 more from my stepmother. It was complicated but it worked. Then my brother died and stepdad went to prison. The same year. We lost our house, all of our belongings and a piece of our family forever.

I lost my ability to really function as what I was passing for an adult. I was 17, in college and I wanted to die. Bulemia took over my life. I binge ate food I loved in front of the TV to temporarily forget about how horrible I felt inside. It progressed steadily from once or twice a day when no one was around to five or six times a day not giving a shit who saw. I was out of control, I wasn’t going to my classes. Eventually my grades and weight dropped heavily and  my trusted counselor kicked me out of college for being a health risk. It was devastating.

After I came home my mom took a serious watch over my bulemia and I was able to stop the urges but every horrible feeling I had was still there so we took to prescription medications.

By age 18 I had been on five different medications and one of them was 80 mg of Zoloft, the highest dosage possible. 

I wasn’t briefed on these medications. I had no idea what I was taking, I was younger than I should have been to be taking so much, no doctor talked to me about them nor did I care. Some made me zombie-like (Xanax) so I sold it, some would work but only for so long, some weren’t enough period, it was exhausting and confusing and frustrating. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to want to die anymore. 

Then my sister’s boyfriend tells me

“Don’t you know you’re not suppose to have grapefruit? You shouldn’t be eating grapefruit while taking Zoloft, it can kill you.”

Haha. What?

It  sounded like a joke until I researched what can happen to you if you consume certain types of citrus while taking antidepressants. Citrus inhibits the compounds that break down the drug. You can literally overdose yourself on your proper dosage. 

“What ELSE can happen to you? What ELSE do I not know?” Is now the main concern in my head.

Upon more research I found that the drugs I had been prescribed can be lethal if used more than six months at a time. They can cause liver failure, kidney disease, cancers, and  BIRTH DEFECTS. Hold on...

I want to live. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy - these are my God given rights - these medications are not providing that for me and NOW you tell me they’re dangerous if taken for long periods of time which is exactly what you’re telling me to do? 

CONFUSED.

Cold turkey stop.

After about two months of no prescription medication, solely ganja smoking aaaaand I’m pregnant. 

Now, anyone who knows what depression REALLY is, knows being happily pregnant doesn’t solve that, no matter how much you love your man, no matter how much you want that baby. 

I still was depressed but I had nothing to help. 25 weeks of no balance and counting.

Fast forward to 40.5 weeks and my 7 lb version of my husband arrives. He’s perfect, the delivery was fast and unique and beautiful, I got my wish of a natural birth, we’re both healthy, my breastfeeding experience was great, I had no bills or work to worry about, but I still wanted to die.

I know what you’re thinking. I do. Typing it out makes me feel guilty but it’s true. I hated my life and I cried alone more times than I can even remember. I was simply depressed. If you have a chemical imbalance, that does not change with/without a man or with/without a baby. You have fucking depression. Denying that is only harming you. The depression I had turned into anxiety. Crippling, debilitating anxiety. I actually can’t put into words what it feels like but imagine having a heart attack, while being the most dehydrated you’ve ever been and vomiting to the point of bile, all  at the same time.

When Liam was born I was waking up every half hour to feed him, and after a very short time it became a biological thing. I was waking up with or without him needing me to. So began my sleep issues. 

The anxiety attacks started as only happening when we did big things, even if I really wanted to do it, like Disney and big events, but as the months passed it began happening every morning, waking me up and sometimes lasting for hours to the point of calling for help. Bcause of breastfeeding I still wasn’t allowed to take prescription antidepressants, so I started smoking.

For a long time I hid and denied that I smoked while being a mom. It can be embarrassing because you immediately get judged, but I was happy again. What I was doing was working. I found a piece of myself again. 

I felt guilty about my lifestyle choice and breastfeeding until I met another mama who also smoked and breastfed her incredibly intelligent daughter. I realized what I was going through, it wasn’t as taboo and uncommon as I thought. I felt a sense of relief. I met more, and more, and more moms who also chose the natural route and my shell grew thicker. With the support of my parents, my spouse, and my friends I was able to conquer not my anxiety per say, but my ownership of it. My anxiety, depression and medication don’t define me. I am the best mom I can be, I love my kids fiercely and I proudly choose ganja and grapefruit for breakfast.