Honestly

I don’t even know what to title this. I feel slightly guilty writing it out and especially don’t want to use any words that would offend her, but it’s been so heavy on my mind I feel it’s best to let it out.

I’m really scared to have a second girl.

No, we don’t know the gender and we won’t be finding out until delivery day, but I know what’s in my stomach is one of two things and the thought of a second girl truly scares me. Obviously when we got pregnant we knew this was a possibility, but I felt so strongly in my heart that I wouldn’t be sick again, that we would have a brother for Liam, but now that I’m sick again the truth of it is settling in.

I may be having a second girl. I may have to deal with this sickness for my entire pregnancy like I did with Lavender. This may be really happening right now and I may not ever want to get pregnant again. But I so wanted a brother for Liam.

When my brother was going through his worst, I wonder now if he would have done better with a brother-someone he could truly relate to and rely on the way his brothers in war made him feel, what he was really searching for in the military. I wish I could have been there for him more, so in my attempt to change this I want Liam to have the opportunity to have someone like him.

Dylan and I constantly talk about baby names even when we aren’t trying but we didn’t have a single boys name we both liked, especially compared to Liam who has a name that is so special to us. Then two months before we started trying for baby number three, I had a dream that was so real it shook me to my core-about birthing a boy in our current living room in a pool I didn’t recognize. His face was familiar, like Liam’s but different, he was definitely mine. He was covered in vernix and as I pulled him to my chest I called out his name- it was perfect. I texted Dylan the very next morning and told him I had finally picked our next boys name and it stuck. I feel like I had been promised this little baby, and convinced myself he was already mine. I even got offended when someone who I don’t know whatsoever and never see used the name. Like, HEY THAT’S MINE!

I also convinced myself I wouldn’t be sick a second time around because I pray and am as good of a person as I can be and God wouldn’t do that to me.  I literally listed all these ridiculous reasons in my head over and over. It’s taken a straight up mental breakdown to get over the fact that at this point I wasn’t sick with Liam. While every pregnancy is different, I kind of feel silly thinking this babe is anything except the obvious.

Having two little flower daughters is a dream, having two gorgeous boys is also amazing, either way I’m thankful for whoever He gives me and for the opportunity to experience creating life. I feel awful about the little bit of disappointment I have during this very desired and prayed for pregnancy but I also know I’m not alone and it’s okay because no matter what all of us will love this baby fiercely. God only gives you what you can handle.



And who knows, maybe it’s a boy still right? 😂